DARD (Pain)May 25, 2007 at 10:52 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
I possess an audio tape of Mohamed Rafi’s Ghazals. I used to listen to this tape often until the tape disintegrated. Luckily I could retrieve most of those songs from the vaults of Music India Online website. I select and play them whenever I remember them, particularly at the moments when I feel utterly alone and miserable.
My knowledge of Hindi is sketchy and I trust most of these songs are on love theme, with a smattering of them philosophical, and some pain-filled. But these songs enhance my lonely feeling and misery. These songs are mellifluous and tuneful, and are accompanied with flowing instrumental accompaniment.
When I hear them a great wave of pain assails my mind. But my stony heart prevents any tears and because tears don’t flow, the pain weighs heavy on my heart. There is an untold and indescribable sadness in my mind when I listen to the songs.
When Kala was alive, I used to play this tape in the afternoons, and we used to listen to them lying down in bed. I do not know how these songs worked in her heart.
During the last few years of her life, when Kala kept shuttling to the Nursing Home, dispensary, the operation theater, convalescence, physiotherapy, trips to the hospital in the ambulance, she kept all her thoughts to herself, only showing excess love and affection to me.
On one occasion she confided to me for the first time that at some stage in her life, she went to the extent of thinking of suicide; another time a couple of months before her passing off, she pleaded with me to come away to the hereafter with her. It wrung my heart and yet I told her like a heartless oaf that I was, that I would if I could, but I have my duty to the children, and I will come when my time comes and join her.
My life goes on, friendless, companion-less, rudderless, drifting with the current of life. Fortunately I am also witless so that I find happiness in simple ephemeral pleasures. Raju, Rupa and Paplu are there for my solace and comfort.
I cannot play the audiotape nowadays and I listen to these songs as I am listening now. Now that I have shared my feelings with my virtual friends through this post, my heart is lighter at the present moment and I am able to savor them, the lyrics the music, which sound like angelic rendition to me.
p.s.: The following morning after this post, I came across a webpage describing the characteristics of musical keys, their association with emotions and colours, and I would like to share this information with you. Please go to the following link to learn more: http://www.library.yale.edu/~mkoth/keychar.htm