April 5, 2007 at 1:57 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

April 5, 2007. Thursday. 3.12 p.m.

I was watching Passion of the Christ, as I have been watching often.  I remember lines from the Catntata with the following lines:

He was wounded for our transgressions;
He was wounded for our iniquities.
He was refused and rejected of men;
Surely He was greater than all men.

And again:

Oh what is man,
That Thou are mindful of him.


The merciful goodness of the Lord
endureth for ever;
and ever and ever.

I am not a Christian; nor do I have any real anchor to hold on to.  I am born a Hindu Brahmin but I had not been a True Brahmin throughout my life.
Whenever you think, most often you think subjectively.  You relate to any of these to your own life’s experiences.  Ever since my childhood, I had never been taught or shown real principles and nor have I had any convictions or ideals or ations and aspirations.  I was always aimless and I studied aimlessly, married aimlessly, begot my own aimlessly and lost my most precious possession in my life.  I have never prayed with real conviction ever in my life.  
But something good has always been happening to me.  My parents, my sisters, my wife and my children are all the good things to have happened to me.  I am beyond sinning because I never truly analysed the meaning of words.  I never too had real feeling of guilt ever in my life because all my actions are aimless and unpremeditated and never wilful.

When my wife left her corporal body, I don’t know what happened to her soul.  But her memories linger with me and I take guidance in life through consultation with her, and I continue all her prayers and rituals like lighting a lamp and pleading to an unknown God for the wellbeing of my children.  I have not become a reformed soul even after her passing away but I entreat her moderation with me whenever I feel I am committing an error, a blunder or a transgression, and my conscience is always light.  No past memory weighs heavily on my heart.

For me, my wife is the ultimate pure soul.  She lived her life selflessly, dedicating herself completely for our wellbeing, always sharing her joys with us and never sharing her miseries and pains with any soul.  No human being is perfect and she also must have her follies and foibles, but for me she was the ideal soulmate, compensating for my shortcomings, tolerating me always and ever caring and full of concern.

Only once, a few weeks before leaving this world, she confessed to me that at one stage in her life she was so disillusioned that she thought of committing suicide, but thank God, she stayed on with us as long as she survived on this earth.

She suffered all the pains for our sake.  Whenever I watched Passion of the Christ, I had cried everytime, but I had never cried for Kala ever, whether I was callous or not, I do not know.  Sometimes when I am alone with myself, which is most of the time, I experience an intense sadness, though fleetingly, because as you know now, I am thoughtless.  Perhaps this sadness washes all my sins.

I carry on only thinking of our children all the time because it is the prime object of my existence for my remaining time here, and I do not have any idea of any hereafter.

I do not have any deep convictions about Karma and Rebirth, and if ever I am reborn as a human being, I want to be born again to the same parents, same siblings, marry my own Kala and beget my own family, over and over again, so that ultimately, at some future birth, I will have improved my character and personality and vision and aim in life, so that I would have acquitted myself well to all concerned.  Amen.  


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